i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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