Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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