someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
