So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
