i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
