Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
