I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
