Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
