just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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