In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
