Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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