Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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