i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
