I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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