My friends, they love my intelligence
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
