Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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