Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
