turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
