matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Even the bartender felt bad for me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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