just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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