I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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