I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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