hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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