I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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