Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
