Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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