just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
