I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
