I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
