And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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