The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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