I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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