I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
