Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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