OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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