It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
