do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
