if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
