I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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