i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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