some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
