Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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