i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
