I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
