Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Randomize
