Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
