My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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