It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
