currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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