I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
