come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
