This is not my ceiling
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
